My sister-in-law was reading a book the other day and I got curious. I borrowed the book this morning and I finished it just this afternoon. It was this book:
You’ve read it right: The Kikiam Experience by Jay Panti.
It’s not about kikiams or eating kikiams. It’s about his own funny experiences and thoughts. The book is also filled with jokes gotten from text messages, books, and his own friends.
Now let me share with you some of the stories I had a good laugh at.
Our Favorite Sayings
Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot… may nandukot.
Walang matigas na tinapay… sa gutom na tao.
Huli man daw at magaling… undertime pa rin.
Ang naglalakad ng matulin… late na sa appointment.
Matalino man ang matsing… matsing pa rin.
Better late than… later.
Ang sakit ng kalingkingan… kailangan ng Alaxan.
Kapag maikli ang kumot… tumangkad ka na!
Aanhin pa ang damo… kung bato na ang uso!
Do unto others… then run!
An apple a day… is too expensive.
Hindi lahat ng kumkikinang ay ginto… muta lang yan!
Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon… mauubusan ng kandila.
Kapag ang puno mabunga… mataba ang lupa.
Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan… sapul!
Try and try until you succeed… or else try another.
Huwag magbilang ng manok… kung alaga mo ay itik.
Ako ang nagsaing, iba ang kumain… diet ako eh!
Pag may tiyaga… good luck!
Pari: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, tumayo pagtugtog ng organ. Sige, iho, tugtog na.
Organista: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
Pari: Pambansang awit, iho.
Sa isang seminaryo.
Madre: Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!
Father: Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang pansinin!
Madre: Naku, Father! Malalaki po!
Host: What was the very first gift that you gave your girlfriend?
Male contestant: Mmm… Taptoy.
Host: What taptoy??
Male contestant: Taptoy na teddy bear.
Host: If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Host: Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines! Why Bocaue?
Girl: Because it’s a magnificent place!
Host: Which part of Bocaue?
Girl: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
Host: How would you like to address you?
Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon City.
Host: If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?
Contestant: That’s a very good question. Keep it up.
(Then the girl turns and walks away.)
Host: What’s your motto?
Contestant: Actor! (Everyone starts laughing.) Aay! Actress pala!
Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?
Contestant: My edge… 23 years old.
Isang panget na babae ang hinoldap.
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na ang lahat ng gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdpaer: Anong rape? Holdap nga ito eh!
Babae: Wala lang! Nagsu-suggest lang naman…
Hari: Ano ang gusto mong parusa sa kasalanan mo? Ipakain sa leon o pasukan ka ng bubuyog sa puwet?
Lalaki: M..ma..mas gugustuhin ko na pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet!
Hari: Pwes! Mga kawal! Ilabas si JOLLIBEE!
Filipino in Wal-Mart
A Filipino applies for a job at Wal-Mart. An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian, and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”
The American replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.
“And now you sir?” he asked the Vladimir, the Russian.
“Hmmh… Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.”
He then turned to the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out of my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, turning on the light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought that he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light!” he said.
Turning to the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The Filipino replied, “Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers serr, et’s obyus to me dat da pastest ting known is Diarrhea.”
“WHAT?!” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh I can expleyn serr,” said the Filipino.
“YOU SEE SERR, DA odder day I wasn’t peeling so good, and I run soo past to da CR or batroom. But, bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TARN ON DA LIGHT, ay tang ina, I already had a poo-poo in my pants.”
As you can see, a true bloodied Filipino is now the new “Greeter” at Wal-Mart.
Sa isang ospital.
Lola (may cancer): Doc, ano hong gagawin niyo sa ‘kin?
Doc: Che-chemo, lola.
Lola: Na mo! Bastos ka! Walang modo!
Frat Leader: Balita ko, gay ka?!
Member: Hindi ako bakla! Chismax lang yun nga mga chuvaness na waley magawa sa mga chenelyn nila! Mga chaka ever! Akesang?! Beki?! Helller?!
Anak: Nay, ano ho ba yung sex?
Nanay: Yun ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para ipadama ang pagmamahal nila sa isa’t- isa.
Anak: Haba naman. Paano ko pagkakasyahin yun sa biodata?
Question: Bakit patay ang buhok sa puwet?
Answer: Ikaw ba naman ang lumagay sa lugar nila, gugustuhin mo pa bang mabuhay?
Importante ang susunod mong mababasa…
Student: Ma’am, totoo po bang galing tayo sa unggoy?
Teacher: Oo, ayon sa theory ni Charles Darwin.
Student: Eh ma’am, bakit kayo mukhang kabayo?
A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, “What are NITRATES?”
The student replied shyly, “Ma’am sa motel po, NIGHT RATES are higher than DAY RATES!”
Passenger taps taxi driver’s shoulder.
“WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” screamed the driver.
Passenger: Bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: Sorry bossing. Bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi akong driver ng karo ng patay.
A faithful husband was drunk, he didn’t know what was happening around him. Upon going home, he directly entered the room and slept. When morning came, he was amazed. Everything was in order, tablet of aspirin and a glass of water with a note, “Good morning, love. I’ll just buy groceries for our dinner! Have your breakfast! Love you!”
He was wondering why that was so, even though he was drunk last night. He asked his son, “What happened last night? Why is this so? Your mom should be angry.”
Son replied, “Mom tried to unclothe you, but you said, ‘Stop! I’m married.’ “
These are just some of the stories I got from the book. Hope you had a good laugh! If you want more jokes, grab your own copy (I will, next time) at any bookstores. It only costs PhP 85.00.